there’s nothing left for me here.
every conversation morphs into an argument so easily that i can’t remember the last time i had a real conversation with someone that meant something to me. probably with my dad. maybe he realised there wouldn’t be many more so he actually cared, but we all have limited time left. that thing in your chest isn’t beating, it’s counting down. i’m tired of trying to be right, to do right. sometimes the hollowness of existence just wears me down too much. there is no reason for me to be here but i feel compelled to try and sort through the mess i’m left with. i don’t want perfection, i just want life to work. i want to feel something, anything. i don’t want to be alone. but there are no alternatives. it’s me and four glass walls. find me.
time travel.
we’ve all seen it before in films, tv, books. a character goes back in time and alters the future. in one episode of futurama i was watching, fry kills his grandfather in the past, leading to the idea that he would erase his future self and cease to exist. this makes no fucking sense. if you killed your grandfather before the point of your creation, you would not only cease to exist, but your future self would no longer exist to go back in time to kill your grandfather. it’s called the grandfather paradox.
so what happens if the grandfather paradox occurs? either our universe implodes or alternate timelines and realities are created that split off our current reality. many argue that the grandfather paradox disproves the idea of time travel entirely. some (palahniuk) believe severing a humans beginning allows the human to have no end, thus making them immortal and having relatively little affect on our reality.
i’ve just been chewing on a ton of ideas about time travel lately from some stuff i’ve been reading. another interesting idea is luminum time. it’s those moments where time seems to stand still, for example in a car crash. some believe that time is malleable in these moments and that these moments are where time travel may be achievable. read up on it.
i think i think too much.
read and write.
favorite pastime is an oxymoronic phrase isn’t it. to say that something you used to like is still your favourite is incredibly contradictory.
i started reading seriously again. i realise if i’m ever going to make any money writing, (either screenwriting, books or journalism) i have to start taking a much more keen interest in it. i’ve been reading some of the more subversive 90’s books, palahniuk and ellis, some autobiographies, a few scripts to kind of get the format in my head right, and a lot of blogs too. i love blogs. they’re like direct insight into someones brain.
i used to read a lot when i was younger. i always had odd choices for books, i would read big books about how games are created, 1930’s crime novels, childrens morality books (which i often challenged with logic), and huge fantasy novels that were far too much for my young mind. if it had a cool cover i was hooked.
i also used to write a ton of ridiculous crackpot stories about aliens and creatures who weren’t figments of my imagination but more illogical extensions my hyperactive mind created from things i saw around me. magazine advertisements, gaming characters, people i didn’t understand. i think i tried to bridge what i didn’t understand with worlds i could create myself. when you’re writing a story, you’re god of the universe. you choose what makes sense.
it’s been good getting back to something i used to love. before music and teenage faux-rebellion ruined my life. i have a few ideas swimming in my head. one is a sci-fi political thriller film, another is a mockumentary tv series about chrm mgz and another looks to continue my obsessive obsession (hey look a word to describe the exact same word) with zombies. i’m sure i’ll write more about them.
i keep promising i will update this but i really will. i will try for once a day. heres to hope.
i broke it.
i screened my film tonight for the first time. i have a lot of mixed emotions.
maybe it’s the fact i’ve seen it so many times, maybe it’s the fact it played with mostly serious films, maybe people were too drunk to care about it, but i just did not like watching it. it was okay, but i want it to be better than okay.
i guess if i was satisfied with my first film there’d be something wrong but i just want to spend every waking moment fixing it until its right and its getting to me a bit. and yet i want to be done with it. i found it hard to be subjective after seeing it so many times. seeing the same joke during editing 50 times kills the joke and you just hope it makes sense to the audience. it really didn’t tonight.
mostly i’m just annoyed with myself. as hard as i worked, i should have worked harder. been more prepared. not bend to what other people say. i guess it’s all a learning process so next time (and there will definitely be a next time) things will be right.
i feel miserable.
satisfaction is the death of desire
let our voices form the weapons.
I stopped eating meat. I hate the word vegetarian because it implies I now only eat vegetables, but whatever.
I’ve seen some very odd reactions. My older brother thinks I’m gay, my mother just raged at me because she now never knows what to cook, my younger brother still just doesn’t understand and thinks it grows on trees or something. The prejudice is incredible, and I’m only like four weeks in.
For the record, I stopped eating meat because I could no longer ignore that my eating habits were resulting in the death of creatures I’d look at and call cute. I also stopped for some kind of spiritual reason. Even though I’m the most non-spiritual person ever, how alive can I feel if I’m constantly consuming death.
I used to be a huge meat eater so if I can do it anyone can haha. I’ve actually lost eight kilos just because it makes me so much more careful with what I eat. Also eliminates so much shitty microwave food.
I’m not doing this for myself. It’s too easy to sit idly and think it won’t make a difference. I feel so much better about everything because it’s weighed on my mind for so long.
I want to post here more often. I’m going to force it daily.
No-one reads this anyways.
i feel volatile.
tonight, i feel exeptionally weird. yeah fuck you, so what if that was a dependant clause.
sometimes i just wish things would just. work. it feels like theres always something in the way and i spend more time navigating the way through it than actually doing it. i don’t even know what i’m talking about to be honest. i actually think my life is heading in the right direction for the first time in a while. my grades are ridiculously good. i’m about to direct my first film. my music is getting inspiring. my family are all doing okay. my friends actually seem to care about me for the minute.
if everything is right, why does nothing feel right.
i think i need time away. not time off. away. i’m going to paris, cannes, madrid, barcelona, jerez, gibraltar, seville and then hitting most of scandinavia (denmark, sweden, norway, iceland, finland). it’s next year and i’m an inch away from booking it. i just can’t bear to do it yet. i felt like after everything it would be perfect to run away and just be done with everything.. but it’s harder than that. counselling really doesn’t teach you things like this.
i’m going to bed because i’m shooting tomorrow. i’m not scared. i’m not scared. i’m not scared.
please repeat until i believe.
