terminals

an old enemy for sure. i didn’t do much work today and i hate it. have a few days off to finish some homework, then i’m back to work. hoping i get it all done, get the weight off my shoulders.

finally settled on a blog design. took an hour. im very perfectionist about it all and i can’t stand designs that aren’t minimalist.

while we’re on the subject of my blog, i get asked why my blog and some other things i put my name under is named terminals. it’s complicated.

first theres the obvious, i work at a rail terminal. terminals are the connection point of civilization. airport terminals connect people on other sides of the world, rail terminals connect the infastructure you take for granted. i always liked that idea, that without terminals we’re just travelling to destinations without uniformity. stepping off a plane and down a cliff.

myself and terminal illness also have a close relationship. and it’s because of it that i’ve learned to not take any day for granted. we’re all fucking terminal. one day we’re all going to die, some of us find out when, which i’m not sure is either a blessing or a curse. it’s something i’m trying to live by. just as my dad lived his last remaining years knowing his time was coming, i feel i need to do the same. the old live every day like you’ll die tomorrow that every person rages about. except they always return to their mundane existence.

i finally feel like six year old michael benjamin calle would be siked on where his life is heading. and thats a first.

Lupe Fiasco- Food and Liquor

“Not at all nervous as he dug to the surface
Tarnished gold chain is what he loosened up the earth with
He used his mouth as a shovel to try and hollow it
and when he couldn’t dirt spit he swallowed it
Working like a reverse archaeologist
Except his buried treasure was sunshine
So when some shined through a hole that he had drove
it reflected off the gold and almost made son blind”

i’m not really replying to messages anymore, sorry.
i just can’t muster the energy most of the time.

dog carcass in alley this morning, tire tread on burst stomach.
this city is afraid of me. i have seen it’s true face.
the streets are extended gutters and the gutters are open full of blood.
and when the drains finally scab over, all the vermin will drown.
the accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists.
and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout save us.
and i’ll look down and whisper no.

they had a choice, all of them.
they could have followed in the footsteps of good men like my father.
decent men who believed in a days work for a days pay.
instead they followed the droppings of lechers and communists.
and didn’t realise that the trail lead over a precipice until it was too late.
now the whole world stands on the brink, staring down into bloody hell.
all those liberals and intellectuals and smooth talkers…

all of a sudden, nobody can think of anything to say.

i haven’t really been in the right state of mind to be blogging, reading over the last few entries have been tough. i don’t like them but i can’t bear to delete them. i’ve gone back to work a few weeks back, it’s going okay. it’s hard to be reminded every day that the person you loved most in the world, that is so entrenched in your work you still see his handwriting on peices of paper, is gone. im dealing, just leave me to my peace.

i bought more spawn comics, the character intrigues me so much. the idea of losing everything to gain back a fragmented existence is so bleak and torturous it’s hard not to fall in love. ashley wood makes it a lot easier too, his work on hellspawn, blood&shadows and blood&salvation is nothing short of pure beauty. check some of this out.

theres something about the vulnerability in wood’s spawn work that is ensnaring.
oh ok, i just found out those images are actually from the last six issues of the hellspawn run, which means its by ben templesmith. couldn’t really find much from the wood collection but the style is def copied, enjoy his probably more.. way more blood, gore and grit and less flashy colour.

enough nerd, this is what im listening to this week.

the red shore-unconsecrated
lady gaga- the fame
kanye west- 808 leaks
blacklisted- … the beat goes on
bmth- suicide season

last night i saw you in my dreams.

now i can’t wait to go to sleep.

this life is all a dream.

my real life starts when i go to sleep.