terminals

first off, merry christmas and as of tomorrow night, happy new year.
here’s to another miserable year of the same old shit. i doubt next year could be worse, but i’m sure it will try to show me up again.
if i didn’t reply to your messages, it’s probably because you wished me a merry christmas. it wasn’t.

i nearly broke my leg skateboarding the other day, my mum thinks i have a deathwish, i cant walk, drive, go to work or anything so i’m stuck at home.
subsequently, i haven’t really made an effort to see anyone because well, i can’t. it’s interesting seeing who’s around, who’s still interested when i’m not.
my new years resolution is to purge most of the people from my life, i don’t need you, in fact i’m probably better off without you.
less people who’s existence is to tread water til the weekend, where they’ll tread in vomit.
less people who hear distress calls only when it suits them.
less people who give a fuck because my wallets bigger than theirs.

suits me at the happiest time of year im the most miserable.
i can’t help it, im wired different.

wheres the christmas cheer gone.
everyone’s just as cold as if it was the first of june, except the gift buying alleviates every single persons guilt.
like a single gesture can redeem you from a lifetime of serpent tongues.
i’m just as much a part of the cycle, but i don’t buy into it. i think.

i’ve been reading more comics, i just finished watchmen and it has me really excited for the film, especially since the first 22 minutes got shown to glowing reviews. haven’t been this pumped on a film since the dark knight. been watching tropic thunder, the dark knight and wanted on blu ray, the office and extras on dvd and have been studying the graduate and 300 for visual styles.

nearly done with homework, it should be over soon and then maybe the cloud hanging over my head will dissapate. then i can enjoy my holiday, and by holiday i mean just full time work by itself. also got told today my services won’t be needed much longer, maybe i’ll end up like this bitch and blog so bitterly i force myself into an alcohol induced coma. americans make me feel awkward. which will be hard to endure if everything goes to plan in 2010 or 2011, which is when i’ve looked into going to cali to study film. still not sure what i want to do once in film, but i seem to have an affinity for writing, and a journalism degree, so iuno. i have some things written out but every time i watch pans labyrinth i just scrap the details entirely and question how i’ll ever be that elegant.

i’m not sure if i wrote about it but i bought a skateboard a few months back.. it’s something i’ve been wanting to take up again for so long, just seems that i’m realising i won’t be here forever so i’m getting started on so much more in life. for example, i started reconnecting with people i haven’t seen in a while. i had a choice to walk away or go to them and i’m happy i didn’t walk. i think they noticed i’m a bit different. anyways, skateboarding, feels good, breaks skin, woo.

check these out:

Wolverine Trailer

Watchmen Blog

Robert Downey Jr. is a sick cunt

not again.
fuck you cancer, just fuck you.

last night was very weird.
firstly, i didn’t drink, and haven’t drank to get drunk in a long time. looking at what melbourne turns into on a saturday night is pretty frightening. i don’t identify with it anymore. the gutters of vomit, the piss stained walls, the way you need to keep an eye over your shoulder just incase some mental drunk comes your way. last night was different though.

the rain seemed to wash away all the blood, puke and piss that could ever stain the streets, and it made me mourn the times before this mindless culture of violence consumed my city. maybe i’m getting old and bitter, maybe i’m a faggot for not drinking like most of my friends say, i just don’t want to the a part of the problem. not sayin you wont see me drunk again, and this aint some edge claim, but how i used to do it week after week will definitely end.

last night was really fun though, micks birthday made some of the best dudes come out, had a lot of fun.

one dude, he knows who he is just blew my mind. he said he reads my blog a lot and that my last couple of posts broke his heart. he said if theres anything i ever need that he was there. he said he admired the way i’ve been dealing with what i’ve been dealing with, despite him not even knowing what it was. definitely made my night and has reassured me that i’m doing things the right way, and that someday i’ll be alright again.

a very special girl left a surprise in my car for me at 5am when i drove her home. it was a small medallion which reads hope. little did she know he was cremated with an identical pendant for love. heres to hope.

in summary, stop drinking or fighting and love more.

its been two months. feels like yesterday.
time doesn’t heal, you just forget their face.
i know i won’t. i hope i don’t.

yesterday was my mums birthday, she shed tears when the candles blew out and the lights were out. sometimes i don’t know what to do. todays daves birthday too, bittersweet celebration if there ever was one. i think he’s doing better and i’m glad he is. he’s changed back into the person i used to know.

but most people don’t seem to understand. i’m not the same person anymore.
i don’t have much in common with anyone and have no interest either.
i just want to pass time by myself now.
writing, reading and dreaming.

it’s only after you’ve lost everything,  that you’re free to do anything.
but this still feels all so wrong.
because i don’t want to do anything without you.