terminals

i screened my film tonight for the first time. i have a lot of mixed emotions.
maybe it’s the fact i’ve seen it so many times, maybe it’s the fact it played with mostly serious films, maybe people were too drunk to care about it, but i just did not like watching it. it was okay, but i want it to be better than okay.

i guess if i was satisfied with my first film there’d be something wrong but i just want to spend every waking moment fixing it until its right and its getting to me a bit. and yet i want to be done with it. i found it hard to be subjective after seeing it so many times. seeing the same joke during editing 50 times kills the joke and you just hope it makes sense to the audience. it really didn’t tonight.

mostly i’m just annoyed with myself. as hard as i worked, i should have worked harder. been more prepared. not bend to what other people say. i guess it’s all a learning process so next time (and there will definitely be a next time) things will be right.

i feel miserable.

satisfaction is the death of desire

I stopped eating meat. I hate the word vegetarian because it implies I now only eat vegetables, but whatever.

I’ve seen some very odd reactions. My older brother thinks I’m gay, my mother just raged at me because she now never knows what to cook, my younger brother still just doesn’t understand and thinks it grows on trees or something. The prejudice is incredible, and I’m only like four weeks in.

For the record, I stopped eating meat because I could no longer ignore that my eating habits were resulting in the death of creatures I’d look at and call cute. I also stopped for some kind of spiritual reason. Even though I’m the most non-spiritual person ever, how alive can I feel if I’m constantly consuming death.

I used to be a huge meat eater so if I can do it anyone can haha. I’ve actually lost eight kilos just because it makes me so much more careful with what I eat. Also eliminates so much shitty microwave food.

I’m not doing this for myself. It’s too easy to sit idly and think it won’t make a difference. I feel so much better about everything because it’s weighed on my mind for so long.

I want to post here more often. I’m going to force it daily.
No-one reads this anyways.