terminals

every conversation morphs into an argument so easily that i can’t remember the last time i had a real conversation with someone that meant something to me. probably with my dad. maybe he realised there wouldn’t be many more so he actually cared, but we all have limited time left. that thing in your chest isn’t beating, it’s counting down. i’m tired of trying to be right, to do right. sometimes the hollowness of existence just wears me down too much. there is no reason for me to be here but i feel compelled to try and sort through the mess i’m left with. i don’t want perfection, i just want life to work. i want to feel something, anything. i don’t want to be alone. but there are no alternatives. it’s me and four glass walls. find me.

this is your life. and it’s ending one minute at a time.

we’ve all seen it before in films, tv, books. a character goes back in time and alters the future. in one episode of futurama i was watching, fry kills his grandfather in the past, leading to the idea that he would erase his future self and cease to exist. this makes no fucking sense. if you killed your grandfather before the point of your creation, you would not only cease to exist, but your future self would no longer exist to go back in time to kill your grandfather. it’s called the grandfather paradox.

so what happens if the grandfather paradox occurs? either our universe implodes or alternate timelines and realities are created that split off our current reality. many argue that the grandfather paradox disproves the idea of time travel entirely. some (palahniuk) believe severing a humans beginning allows the human to have no end, thus making them immortal and having relatively little affect on our reality.

i’ve just been chewing on a ton of ideas about time travel lately from some stuff i’ve been reading. another interesting idea is luminum time. it’s those moments where time seems to stand still, for example in a car crash. some believe that time is malleable in these moments and that these moments are where time travel may be achievable. read up on it.

i think i think too much.

favorite pastime is an oxymoronic phrase isn’t it. to say that something you used to like is still your favourite is incredibly contradictory.

i started reading seriously again. i realise if i’m ever going to make any money writing, (either screenwriting, books or journalism) i have to start taking a much more keen interest in it. i’ve been reading some of the more subversive 90’s books, palahniuk and ellis, some autobiographies, a few scripts to kind of get the format in my head right, and a lot of blogs too. i love blogs. they’re like direct insight into someones brain.

i used to read a lot when i was younger. i always had odd choices for books, i would read big books about how games are created, 1930’s crime novels, childrens morality books (which i often challenged with logic), and huge fantasy novels that were far too much for my young mind. if it had a cool cover i was hooked.

i also used to write a ton of ridiculous crackpot stories about aliens and creatures who weren’t figments of my imagination but more illogical extensions my hyperactive mind created from things i saw around me. magazine advertisements, gaming characters, people i didn’t understand. i think i tried to bridge what i didn’t understand with worlds i could create myself. when you’re writing a story, you’re god of the universe. you choose what makes sense.

it’s been good getting back to something i used to love. before music and teenage faux-rebellion ruined my life. i have a few ideas swimming in my head. one is a sci-fi political thriller film, another is a mockumentary tv series about chrm mgz and another looks to continue my obsessive obsession (hey look a word to describe the exact same word) with zombies. i’m sure i’ll write more about them.

i keep promising i will update this but i really will. i will try for once a day. heres to hope.

i don’t waste my day sleeping, you waste your night sleeping.